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Jul. 16th, 2014

Laundry. And some Mommy anger.

So. Much. Laundry!

I swear, we were only gone for 5 days, but it seems like we've ended up with 5 weeks worth of dirty laundry. If nobody hears from me by tomorrow night, send help because I probably got stuck beneath a laundry-lanche and can't get up.

But it's getting there. My only REAL problem today is mad feelings about people who think it's okay to get onto my daughter about her problem pronouncing "r" and "sh" sounds, to the point where she feels sad about it. And then keep going.

I'm going to write the rest of this as a sort of letter to the person or persons who made my baby sad, because I can't actually tell these people for "keep the peace" and "it wouldn't change them anyway" reasons, and I need to get the words out of me so they don't fester in my heart:



Oh, you think she needs a hearing test because YOUR kids never had this problem? Well, she has passed every hearing test she has had as of this spring, thankyouverymuch, sorry if I didn't send out a memo to people whose business it isn't.

I know she's taking longer than a lot of kids to get those sounds pinned down, my hearing is fine, I didn't need you to tell me. I had a problem with those sounds at her age. I worked with a school therapist and got over it. I have a sibling who had "r" trouble for even longer than age 5. It's normal. Some kids take longer. We have a pediatrician we trust and family members with relevant training that we trust. When one of them says she needs more than just time, that's when we'll get her into therapy. I love her, I'm her mother, so obviously I ask these questions every time we see the doctor EVEN when I am pretty sure things haven't reached that point and we still seem to be operating within a normal developmental range.

Argh! I hate that she felt sad about something and I wasn't there to protect her! I hate that someone who should have been protecting her thought that being ahead of the curve was more important than keeping my baby's fierce and fearless heart unbruised. I want her to stay fierce and fearless. I don't want her to have to feel like she's somehow less than others because of the thoughtless opinion of a person she cares about. A person who should have known better.

I know she'll bounce back, but I also know that she'll still feel the little scar that says "not good enough because of my speech" for a lifetime. I know, because I was just like her once and I still feel that scar. And I know that, subconciously, she will be a little less fearless now. I know, because that's how it went for me. I had a fully confident, happy kid. I had a kid who didn't think she was different just because she pronounces two damn sounds out of the entire English language a little differently from most kids.

I am mourning the loss of her unshakable self-confidence. I am mourning the loss of that bit of innocence. That sure and certain knowledge that she is fantastic and amazing coupled with a complete absence of knowledge of adult constructs like "worth" and "equal" that only truly exist to a child when someone tells them, by word or deed, that they do.

I know that a heart can't remain free of those tiny scars forever. I knew a day would come when I would be talking to my baby and realize beyond a doubt that her heart had been touched and that damage, however small, had been done. I just hoped it would be later on. I just hoped that it would have come from a stranger. Someone on the fringes of her life whose words and actions could be more easily dismissed.

I know you love her in your way. I just think that maybe you weren't taught HOW to love and how to tend another heart. Or maybe you knew once but were hurt and cynicism clouds your judgement. I can't really know, only guess. I'm going to try to move on and not carry anger in my heart for you. My words would never change you, your ways are set. Anger would only keep me from doing my best heart tending.

I will pray for you, and be more watchful in the future.



I'm going to wipe off my sad/angry tears now and do whatever I can to build my babies up today. I know that scars never disappear, but maybe if I can stay proactive about building my kids up when they've been battered then the scars will function more as decoration than direction. Building. That's what I'll do.

That, and a whole lot of laundry.

Apr. 6th, 2014

The Hole No One Knew Was There

Once upon a time, there was a fledgling couple who lived with a hole. It was such a large hole, and oddly shaped. It wasn’t like any of the holes that you might come across in the course of day to day life. It was unique. There was no other hole like it.

By far the strangest feature of this hole was the simple fact that nobody ever saw it. The couple lived with this hole right smack in the midst of their lives, right there beneath their noses, but never noticed it. When friends came to call, they didn’t see it either. Family visited. They seemed blind to the hole, as well. They all danced nimbly along the edge of the hole, the enormous and strange hole, without ever suspecting that it was there. Blind as they were, they were happy. They were thriving.

One day, the couple saw something new. They thought maybe they wanted this new thing in their lives. It would be exciting! It would be fun. They didn’t know why they wanted it so much, but bringing it home seemed like the thing to do.

So they did.

It was a funny little thing. All ears and eyes and gangly legs. It looked ridiculous as it ran around their yard. The legs were too long, the gait uncoordinated, the ears poked out in odd directions. They liked it. It just felt right. It was a silly thing, but it was soft and warm and full of life. It was happy and ridiculous and full of love.

As the funny little thing grew, the couple started to notice something peculiar out of the corners of their eyes when they turned away from it quickly. There was a hole around it. It was large and oddly shaped. It was unique. It was disconcerting. It hurt them to look at it. If it were empty, it would have been frightening. But, of course, it wasn’t empty. The funny little thing was right in the center of it. Even stranger, they noticed, was that the hole appeared to be almost exactly the same shape as the funny little thing. A bit larger, more refined, but clearly the same shape.

Time passed and the hole disappeared. The funny little thing became the exact, unique shape and size to fill it. It was such a gradual process that the couple didn’t realize at first that it was complete, but when they did they were astonished to realize that the hole they had seen around the funny little thing had actually been there all along and they had never seen it.

How could this be? They asked themselves. How could we have lived so blissfully ignorant of this hole without ever having fallen into it? What would have happened if we had noticed the hole when it was still empty? They had no answers. They decided it was better not to worry. They had not, after all, noticed the hole before when it might have become a problem. It had been filled now, and there was no reason to waste time worrying over what might have been. They were happy. They had found the funny little thing. Life was complete. They were all three very, very happy.

In time, the couple discovered other strange, half-full holes lingering in the periphery of their lives. The holes were completely filled almost before they were even noticed; each by something unique, something that could be found nowhere but right there in its own peculiar, disturbing hole.

Life was excellent for the young couple. They had their funny little thing, and they loved it dearly. They had the other unique things, each loved for their own inimitable qualities. They weren’t a couple anymore. They never had been, really. They had always been a family; a family of invisible holes, waiting to be filled.

Life moved forward for the family. The little things grew bigger. They melded together. No longer separate and distinct entities, as a family, they were one creature, mingled colors swirling together in an ever-changing pattern.

The family didn’t seem to notice many of the changes. Why worry? They were going through them together. Life was an exciting journey, and changes were new adventures along the way. The unpredictability of them was part of the fun.

They never predicted discovering the first hole that no one saw. They never predicted that they would find the one funny little thing in the world of exactly the size and shape to fill the enormous hole that they hadn’t noticed. While they had predicted that, as most things do, the funny little thing might one day disappear, they did not predict that the hole would remain.

The family knew that the hole had always been there. They knew that they had lived happily as a couple in that distant time, ignorant of the hole, thriving despite the invisible emptiness. They knew these things. But as they learned, and as you may learn, you cannot unsee this type of hole. You cannot unsee it, and it can only be filled once.

They knew it could not be filled, but they put things into the hole anyway. They threw in trots down wooded hiking paths full of delicious scents. They threw in car rides with windows cracked for the delight of canine noses. They threw in long, rainy afternoons cuddled before the television with a warm, soothing weight across their laps. They threw in lolling tongues after a run, sloppy kisses hello, tails that wagged so enthusiastically that the joy welted unwary legs. They threw in soft brown eyes, electric with expression and bright with a sneaky cleverness. They threw in unwavering loyalty wrapped in a sleek brindle coat. They threw in a thousand-thousand heartfelt roo-roos muffled by a mouthful of stuffed hedgehog.

They threw in a million-million tears.

They realized the terrible truth about this type of hole. That these holes are in our hearts from the moment we are born.  That we are destined to fill some of them. That we are destined to see some of these holes emptied again, and that the emptiness would ache until the persons who were born with the holes finally went away, leaving empty holes to ache in another.

They felt the sharp stab of the emptiness as it began, and the ache as it set in. They clung to each other and despaired. They wondered how they would survive if another of the holes should empty. But then they looked again at the hole and saw that, while it was too vast to ever be filled, the items it now contained were beautiful beyond measure. The emptiness left in the hole was painful, but the loveliness of what they had thrown inside was exquisitely profound. They discovered that they could learn to live with this pain if they could keep the beautiful things that came with it. They discovered that they would not trade the treasured moments for the false safety of the hole nobody knew was there.


Written by Destiny Kwas

In memory of Turtle, who filled the first of many invisible holes in our hearts.

All of the bunnies are yours now, Snuggle-Buggles, and no furniture is out of bounds.

turtle

Nov. 7th, 2011

Parenting is oh-so-very fun

I hate Monday nights. Hate them with a passion. This is the night that my son's weekly homework packet comes. It's all due Friday morning, and there's not much time Wednesdays so we have to try to get the bulk of it out of the way Monday and Tuesday so we aren't stuck with a backlog Thursday and have to stay up all night. We do the writing, which he hates, first, because it's the hardest on everyone. He takes forever. He often does it wrong on purpose because he doesn't want to be doing it, so he has to do it over and over. It is hellish. He's in time out "cooling off" and thinking about "making better decisions" about 3-5 times per paper assignment, and he has at least 6 of those a week as well as the two big flash card rings and the reading assignment. Monday night is my own little hell on earth. Monday night is burning pain in my gut and a pounding headache. Monday night is usually me trying for hours to be patient and understanding while my son jabs his pencil thru the tablecloth or draws a line straight down the page or changes grips and erasers 100 times. Monday night makes me feel like a failure as a parent and makes me wonder if my son (who I think is bright and could go far if he bothered trying) is going to be another "C" average working at McDonald's, living on welfare and putting the bare minimum of effort into everything. I know he's only five, but they grow up fast these days so I think my worry is legitimate. I don't understand this giving up and this not wanting to repair mistakes. He gets TONS of praise when he does well, tons of praise for all of his other subjects. It's not like he's getting ridden all the time. I don't know what to do. Rewards and threats just don't work.

All I know for sure is that the next 3 quarters will have increasing amounts of homework and we already spend most Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights at the kitchen table going nowhere slow. He has his good nights where he only acts up a little and manages to stay semi-focused, but it isn't often enough. All I know is that I have no bright ideas, and I don't think well on the fly during intense confrontations. This little man does intense confrontation like a pro...

I HATE Mondays. This is the worst one yet.

Sep. 23rd, 2011

ALIVE!

I'm not dead, just really busy and chronically exhausted. I WILL be posting more regularly in the future.

Hopefully this future exists in our current dimension. I swear, there's a place in the multiverse where I have my crap together. It's just nowhere near THIS place...

Anywho, I am madly creating food and snackage in preparation for every-other-monthly non-electronic game night, which takes place this evening in my happy basement room of fun and joy. It'll just be the available sibs and spouses this time due to the last minute scheduling and the multiple changes in preliminary scheduling and sudden availability of overtime and some other blah blah blah that caused me to not definitively pick a day and send the usual text message until much later than I would like. And also, honestly, I'm logging a lot of "social interaction outside of my family group" time this week. I'm shy, so I can only handle a limited amount of that before my brain overloads. Nobody want to see Destiny in a corner gibbering and drooling on herself. Nobody nice, anyway  :-P

We have cornbread, homemade chili, homemade apple crisp and deli sammiches going on in the kitchen. My lovely sister-in-law is bringing brownies, for which blessing I may steal her from my brother and accidentally misplace my husband. Chocolate GOOD. Also, the wee monsters are going away to Grandma-land until tomorrow afternoon. YES! I may game freely without interruption! I may fall into bed free of stress and with the resonable expectation of sleeping until I am fully rested!

Oh! Oh! Oh! A book is coming to me! Mr. Scott Lynch, much beloved author of the Gentleman Bastard sequence, is selling some signed and awesomely customized at your request copies of his books from his own library. Wethinks mayhaps he has the same book problem as we do... but this has led to the opportunity for me to procure a fancy limited run hardcover with desirable graffiti contained therein. W00T! Happy, happy day! This is even more awesome than when I found the extended version of Dune on DVD. Not quite as awesome as finding out a few months ago that I was most certainly NOT pregnant again and the birth control was working just fine, but really, that's a tough one to top.

It's a banner day for this little lady  :-)

p.s. Just to clarify, I DO wish to see and interact with my lovely and wonderful friends as much as possible. I'm just totally overloaded on "act like a grown-up" time. No offense intended in my need for occasional seclusion or clannish tendencies. Those of you with a touch of the social anxiety will understand that sometimes even seeing people you love can be too much to handle sometimes. The rest of you, I hope you know I love ya and that you'll grant a little latitude to the awkward, geeky, eccentric chick.

Sep. 27th, 2010

Busy busy busy, and also poor. Yay!

Such a busy month!  We have activities going on pretty much every day and night of the week.  Fun but truly exhausting.  Will be glad when soccer is over Thursday and we can have two nights back.

I made the mistake of volunteering for something at the school... apparently, they think everyone is loaded with cash just because their children attend a private school.  In reality, a lot of the parents are working their tails off to afford it and have little left for extras.  I thought "volunteer" meant volunteer time and work, not get hassled for the payola.  Happy to work, not so happy to spend what I do not have.  Live and learn!  Next time I will make sure that I am volunteering actual labor, which I am capable of giving a lot of most weeks and happy to do so.  *sigh*

Trying out a new budget and some conservation ideas.  The old "turn off the lights when you leave the room" is proving to be a difficult habit for some of us to develop.  I got it in under a day and Aidan seems to be catching on, but Brad is just dang annoying!  I am forever turning lights off after him.  The tedium and frustration threaten to drive me to a madness from which there may be no return... people could be seriously hurt.  Male people who are too lazy to flip switches as they pass them by!!  Also limiting the weekly expenditures on extras like snacks out and books or toys or other forms of entertainment beyond Netflix.  My style is seriously cramped, but there are surgical bills pouring in now and they are GINORMOUS.  We give ourselves a 20 dollar bill and spend no more than that on extras, then save any leftovers.  That money can go to paying down a debt or paying cash for a night out in a few weeks.  We have really been thinking twice about those little dollar here, dollar there expenditures and it really helps us remember to bring snacks and pack lunches.  I even bring a cup with me most days so that I can save 20 cents by getting a refill instead of buying the plastic cup that I would just end up throwing away anyway.  That saves me about a buck a week, which sounds like small potatoes but if you get enough small potatoes you can have yourself a nice side dish or two  ;)

Christmas looms just around the bend, a cackling red suited specter lying in wait for unwary wallets... determined not to let him suck the life out of us this year.  In order to avoid his clutches, most, if not all, toys purchased for the munchkins will be secondhand.  They have so much already.  Really, what point is there in breaking the bank when there are landfills chock full of toys that are in great condition?  Why not buy some at yard sales, consignment sales, thrift shops and help keep up the demand for used toys?  Green living that saves some green, and the kids are too young to notice anyway.  I will tell Aidan that we saved the toys from being thrown away and saved some of our dollars for other fun things.  He understands that if we take snacks with us instead of buying them at the gas station then we have dollars to spend later on something like a trip to the bowling alley.

All of this budgety stuff is nice, hopefully it pays off with lower utility bills and a lower credit card balance at the end of the month.  That extra cash has some nice doctors to go to!  They deserve it because our insurance company gives them a pittance for the excellent work they do.  Amazing that they shaft the doctors that way when they raised our rates 300% and lowered the coverages.  The new "we know better than you" nanny state healthcare plan is only going to make things worse for everyone who actually works for a living.  You think you have to wait awhile for what you need now?  Whew!  You should see how it is in the UK.  I have heard horror stories from people who lived them.  Not a pretty picture!  "The best government is that which governs least".  They have no right to tell a person that they do not deserve this or that treatment or this or that medication.  They have no right to dictate to a doctor how best to care for his or her patient.  It is unethical, unconstitutional and an unfair infringement upon my freedom not just as an American but as a human being in a supposedly enlightened age.  Sad.  Disasters are sure to follow, and many of them are sure to be swept under the rug.  Come on 2012, and thank God we are not getting all the government we are paying for! 

Stepping off the soap box now  :)

Time for bed.  Busy day tomorrow and early at that.  Looking forward to Movie Night on Friday!  Watching Star Wars with the kids and eating popcorn.  Aidan is SO excited!  It really pays to plan these things in advance, the anticipation is half the fun!

Aug. 22nd, 2010

It's been awhile!

Sorry no posting lately!  It's summer, and for some reason summer with 2 kids is about 3x busier than summer with 1 kid... not sure how that works, mathematically.

Anyway!  Aidan starts pre-k tomorrow, woo-hoo!  It hurts that he's this big already.  How the heck??  I'm caught between being sappy and tearful that he's not a baby anymore and being proud of how smart and strong and amazing he is.  Aidan is the sweetest, most sensitive little fella you could hope to meet, and at the same time, he's a rotten little stinker who bounces off the walls half of the day.  He definitely keeps things interesting.

Brad's last semester of college, as well!  He'll have a degree in a few months!  It's almost like he's a real grown up.  If I didn't live with him, I'd almost be fooled  ;)

Ellia is climbing everything and she's obsessed with talking on the phone and wearing shoes.  And also getting into everything she can possibly open... I don't think it's possible to Ellia-proof a house.   She's seriously evil!  But so adorable that you can't do much about it.  Is there a reason for kids to be so smart and coordinated at this age?  I mean, besides lopping countless years off of my life and giving me ulcers?

We are getting a new automobile!!!  Well, new to us anyway.  Caravan with the auto doors and stow-n-go seats!  SOOOOO much better for taxiing the kids and puppers, and I can put my bike and the munchkin trailer in the back very easily without the need for an annoying bicycle conveyance device which needs to be re-jiggered with every time the back hatch is opened.  I hate those dang things, they suck a huge poo-sickle.  You notice, though, the fundamental problem with this awesome new automobile... it is... erm... a mini-van. 

ACK!  GASP!  CHOKE!  WHEEZE!

My mojo is in danger of being pruned back to a dangerous, perhaps LETHAL, level.  I've decided to solve this by plastering the windows with super awesome decals.  You know, Mistborn allomantic symbols, ships from Star Trek, that cool Halo bumper sticker that says "My other vehicle is a Warthog".  That kinda thing.  Do you think they make those family decals in Klingon patterns?  Well, they should.  I can't handle looking like another vanilla, subdivision living, van driving, PTA guru, brainwashed soccer mom.  I can't be seen like that.  It is not to be borne! 

I am geektastic and superfly, and my ride will reflect these attributes.

Me, not up to much.  Recovering from yucky surgery, still pretty sore around the midsection. 

Finished reading "The Way of Kings" by Brandon Sanderson this week and it was BRILLIANT!  I am temporarily ruined for all other books.  Have to recover from my post-awesome-book-depression... no idea when book 2 is set to release.  It won't be TOO long because Sanderson just magically cranks them out one after another.  The man is a writing machine!  I don't personally know anyone with that kind of discipline.  Must be some genetic fluke, because normal humans just can't keep all the balls moving like that in a career and still handle a teaching position and a young family.  I couldn't do it.  I can barely handle 2 kids, 2 dogs and cleaning houses a day or two a week.  Whatever he's on, please to send me some, k? 

Soooooo anyway, besides that, just doing the regular stuff.  Looking into taking some foreign language courses.  There's a Conversational Japanese class starting in October and I REALLY wanna sign up for!  So I think I'm gonna tell the practical and martyr voices in my head to shove a sock in it, and just go do what I want.  Who knows, maybe I have an aptitude for it.  Could lead to some fun career options when the munchkins are both f/t students.  Tour guide?  Interpreter?  Who knows.  I'll at least have an easier time watching anime.  That's more important than any career advancement crap  :-D

Okee dokey.  Boring post.  Off now to lay out Aidan's school clothes and go to bed.  And probably go all weepy wendy for awhile because my Chubba is all growed up   :-(

Jul. 15th, 2010

Achievement Unlocked!

    Woo-Hoo!!!!  So glad The Guild is back!  The interwebz were getting kinda sad and boring.  And hell-OOOOO!!  Codex totally lived one of my major high school fantasies (Well, there wasn't a possible one-nighter involved in mine. Or possible PC sabotage, but whatev).  I might have to hate her for that if it turns out well.  Who doesn't love Wil Wheaton?  SERIOUSLY!!

    In other geek news, Vampire Knight issue 10 was pure awesome and I'm kinda bummed now because I read the whole thing in one big gulp Monday night during a fit of male-source depression, and now it's all gone.  It'll be FOREVER until the next one and I need to find out if Zero is seriously going to kill Yuki, or if it's just some leftover upset from devouring the essence of his own brother and finally gaining the vampire hunter powers that he should have been born with while at the same time fully coming into his new vampire powers... I dunno, it's a lot of drama to handle, but you can't go kissing someone like that and then tell them you're gonna shoot them with anti-vampire weaponry next time you see them.  It's just not socially acceptable.  So, anyway, issue 11, forever waiting... GAH!  Patience is for better people.

    Further geek news, Mom and I shut down the Godfrey Bookstore today and both left with heaping ginormous bags of paperbacks.  I think Mom might have cleared out half the Dragonlance section, whereas I made a departure from my normal search for interesting obscure fantasy novels and bought all of the J.D Robb paperbacks in the store and the Key trilogy by Nora Roberts.  Woman cannot live on swords and magic alone.  Sometimes we need cheesy romance or foul-mouthed and bad tempered female cops in 2060's NYC. 

    Real life stuff, things are crappy here in oh so many ways and I'm not going there in the journal right now.  The only thing I can talk about without flipping out is the fact that my head feels like there have been 6 foot tall booted Russian men tap-dancing on either side of my face since Monday.  It was feeling better, but now, for some reason, it feels worse again tonight.  There is a fever.  That probably means more drugs are in my future.  I have discovered that Vicodin sucks big time, and that I do not so much enjoy oral surgery.  Here's hoping that all the remaining teeth in my head behave themselves for the rest of my life!

    The kids are excellent!  Aidan is excited about "college", aka pre-school, starting up soon and he's REALLY excited about getting to play his very first video game with Mommy tomorrow.  I found Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends Scavenger Hunt at Best Buy, it's actually kind of fun even for adults.  You spend enough time with munchkins, you become easy to impress, maybe?  Probably true, definitely sad, but who cares!  Fun is fun.  Ellia is talking more, loving shoes, hats, cars and climbing everything climbable.  She has the most beautiful smile on earth  :)

    Taking Aidan to the big Demolition Derby at the Jersey County Fair this weekend, then Monday is "Stories and Puppets" at the library followed by Ellia's 15 month well baby visit and Aidan's school health exam, lunch, naps, tumbling class for the Chub in the pm.  Tuesday Hayner is having "Storytime at the Park" for the wee ones, so we'll try to make that one as well.  Wednesday, maybe playing with some Mommy and munchkin buds, hooray!

    By the by, has anyone else out there read The First Law trilogy by Joe Abercrombie?  Finished it up last week, and highly recommend it to anyone who likes the type of stuff I like... which isn't one bit vague, is it?  Basically, if you kinda like GRRM or Scott Lynch, you'll very probably enjoy Abercrombie.  If you want a nice, clean, happy ending, your Princess is in other casselz.

Jul. 5th, 2010

I like it when things explode.

The fireworks in Jerseyville were AWESOME!  The wee ones loved it, you've never seen eyes that big on a kid outside of anime.  Definitely worth feeding dozens of mosquitoes to experience that.  Apparently, ghost pale persons still taste good even when wearing noxious anti-bug chemicals... stupid Irish ancestors.  Why couldn't we be Italian?

We had 3 birthday parties and the 4th of July rolled into one fantastic extravaganza of bizarre geek behavior, fun family moments and disgusting but satisfying displays of face-stuffing prowess.  No bratwurst was safe!  No brownie was sacred!  No male nipples went un-pinched!  And no one died or was seriously injured, no colored liquids were spilled on the carpet and the kids went to bed with no fuss.  Plus, we get to live in America, which is a pretty dang cool place, warts and all.  Awesome.  All in all, a very successful day! 

To celebrate, there will be much sitting and watching of television interspersed with periods of reading.  There will also be basic childcare and also some necklace and bracelet making fun with the Chubba.  And maybe we'll get Ellia's pics done, but probably not because Mommy is exhausted from cleaning the house top to bottom yesterday and hostessing today.  Tuesday sounds like a great day for pictures... we shall con the Grandma person into accompanying us.  No one should enter the dog-eat-dog world of child photo shoots without a wingman.  Those little monsters will eat you alive!  And if they don't, the "portrait specialist" will.

There was crap I wanted to write about, but I'm too tired to remember anything much before 3 pm today... I need sleep.  I'm still up because the rare manga I ordered FINALLY arrived, but when I opened the package it was the WRONG ITEM!!!!!!!!!!!  ARGH!!!  Dangit, you spend weeks waiting for something awesome and then you get who the hell knows what crap item that's worth roughly 1/6 the price of the item you ordered.  Hopefully the so-called "customer satisfaction" persons contact me promptly and deliver me up a heaping helping of "satisfied" so that my life can have meaning again... and so that I don't get angry enough to do something that might end up in a Lifetime movie 5 years later.  "The Manga Massacre: When Comic Fans Attack"  Yikes!

Yeah, I'll go sleep now.  There's a book on cd waiting for me in bed, and he's probably getting a little testy about waiting this long for action on a "school night".

May. 22nd, 2010

Has anyone seen May? I think I missed it.

Time flies when you're having fun!  Or when you're diligently burning your candle at both ends for a few weeks straight.

It was a crazy day!  Subdivision yard sales, purged lots of stuff, received lots of sweaty paper and jingly coins in return.  And also a horrible sunburn.  Brad is on nights this weekend, so I sailed the yard solo.  It meant that I couldn't really take a pee break, and also that when I recognized the need for sunblock, it was too late.  Payment for my oversight will be days in the making, hopefully not too many.

I'm a Mom.  I put sunblock on other people, but usually forget to "do me".  Probably because I'm back to the first kid, layering on the OFF! Skintastic insect spray.  My kids will probably start to glow faintly in a few years, but they're safe enough from malaria or West Nile.  Life is about trade-offs  : )

I asked Aidan if he'd like to go to the park and then get milkshakes.  He said yes to the park "but only if we go to that green one" and no to the milkshake because "guys need to say when they had enough", whatever that means  *confused*

While we were getting ready to leave, Aidan opened the basement door for Ellia and I got to hear the unmistakable and heart-stopping sound of a 1 year old falling down a flight of stairs...  I ran down them like my life depended on it, which it did because I would probably die of grief if anything happened to one of my monsters.  She was sitting at the bottom crying a little and looking more surprised than anything, really.  After a minute of snuggling she wanted down to play, so we sat down and I inspected every inch of her and then did it again and then once more just to be sure.  She got angry and annoyed and then walked off and played with blocks while I cried a little and took deep breaths.  Not a bruise or scratch on her, just a little redness on the backs of the thighs which is gone already.  Looks like she just bounced/slid down on her tushie.

I keep stopping every hour or so to thank God for wrapping her in angel bubble-wrap and to hug her close.  Pretty sure I'll wake up with white hair tomorrow, I feel 100 years old.

Since everything seemed to be fine (other than, you know, my heart attack), we went ahead with the park.  Aidan tried to kill me again by climbing 10 feet up a rock climbing tower and then standing on top and leaning over.  He did a great job and I'm SO proud of him for being brave and coordinated (unlike Mommy), but it seriously taxes my nerves to watch my 3 year old laugh in the face of death.  Or broken bones.  Or sprains...  I don't ever discourage him, because I'm a ginormous weenie and feel like it really holds me back as an adult, so if he wants to climb the rock wall, he can do it.  But I stand directly underneath him the whole time, just in case, and have indigestion. 

All in all, it was fun!  We checked out the new pond, watched frogs, picked flowers, pushed Ya-ya on the swing, ran around hollering, all the good stuff.  Then, as we were leaving, Aidan says "now we go get shakes!" and I reminded him that he said he didn't want a shake because he'd had enough.  He replies with "well, now I don't have enough so we have to get shakes. BIIIIIIG ones."

So predictable, my wee Chubba  : )

We're home now and everyone made it to bed in record time.  Possibly because I mentioned something about monsters that came for little kids that aren't ready for bed by the time baby sister finishes her bottle...

Don't get all judgy on me  : P   I've been up for 16 hours on less than 4 of sleep, lifted many heavy boxes, had a near-death experience and vaguely resemble a lobster.  If tall tales were lethal to children, Grandpa would have killed me well before Kindergarten.

He told us that Gatorade is made from freeze-dried alligator powder, which was highly suspect to me even at the tender age of 8 or so.  He also told me that soy sauce is made from little brown soy fish, which are held over bottles and squeezed until all of the juice comes out.  Apparently, it's salty because the soy fish lives in the ocean...  That one was tough because there was a lot of back-story involving the types of boats used and areas where the soy fish were harvested.  I can still remember staring at LaChoy soy sauce on the pantry shelf and thinking "that's all the blood and goo they squished from dozens of soy fish. barf!" and wondering if he was messing with me again or if it was the real deal.  I tried to find out about soy sauce manufacturing from the Encyclopedia Britannica, but since the Britannians were silent on that subject I suffered many long years of sadness over the oppressed soy fish before figuring it out.

See, didn't kill me.  Made me think critically, do research, empathize with a fellow creature and it makes a pretty funny story now that I'm an old fart.  All good!

Going to shower and finish watching "X-Files: I Want to Believe", which is totally awesome and makes me even more eager to hang my Mulder and Scully poster in the new family room  *squee*

Last night I watched "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" starring Heath Ledger.  It's one that was filming when he passed away, and they did an excellent job of finishing the film and adapting the story and his role with other actors.  I recommend it!  Kind of a dark modern fairy tale, gives you that "Did I just use heavy narcotics?" feeling akin to watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, only twice as much.  Or more.  : )

Going!  Doing Census work tomorrow and have one certifiable loon to visit yet again... wish me luck.  I have pepper spray, and I will be carrying it in my hand for this one, appearances be damned. 

p.s. I'm discovering that Aidan is really into "The Cure" and "Rancid".  He gets REALLY upset when I skip songs on my current mix cd.  His faves seem to be "Why Can't I Be You", "Hot, Hot, Hot" and "Time Bomb".  How cool is that?

Mar. 31st, 2010

Tired...

...to the deepest parts of my soul.  Just so tired that I cannot even think clearly or decide where to start or what to do.  Physically exhausted.  Emotionally near the end of my endurance.  Beyond tired.  What the heck is beyond exhausted?  I am right there, wherever it is.

Have you ever been to a place in your life where you know you should be crying, but you have no energy for it?  Wow, does it feel strange.

It would be nice to elaborate on the specifics here, but again, no energy.  Suffice it to say that, although there are parts of my life that are amazing, a few major areas are going to hell in a handbasket for reasons that I have little control over.  Funny.  My heart must be breaking, but I feel numb to it.  Things are always teetering on the edge of a knife in this area.  The stress is overwhelming, but so commonplace in my life now that I scarcely notice unless something draws my attention to it.  Do I even care anymore?  Is there even a point in trying?  This failure seems so inevitable. 

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